Discontent and restlessness warped my weary head and I could feel the twist that sent testing nueral impulses , compelling me to sit when I lay down , and when I sat , I had this urge to run ...oh my god .where is she ?. Oh my god.......for days I moped and fell ill, aggravated by an unseasonal flu, further aggravated by the mental distress I suffered ,the remorse of not being aware of a precious life so dear to me existing somewhere, probably forsaken to pitifully get by on crumbs of love , where I would have swathed her with my affection . My ability to reason impaired, tormented as I was by guilt for abandoning her when she needed me most , I wandered in a daze to to find her and catch a glimpse and let the weakness ebb, but no, she was nowhere and my regret persisted and I wanted to be her father all over again and buy her pretty dresses, take her to the park and let her happily ride my back.
I was possessed by her to the exclusion of all others and I would get disturbed and angry. Now, who was this bastard stand-in dad?. Son-of-a bitch. I could have wrung his neck,...... bastard ....., probably a two bit cheapo, wife beater ,preying on the kid and mother , manipulating them, using their helplessness to tie them down and enslave them in his wicked world.Questions niggled me from deep recesses of my mind on how she would have coped in this heartless world , scorned and spitefully teased when I didn't appear at her side after school for her to joyfully take my hand and go home. I am certain she would have cried and pined for me. Did she wake up and cry in the dark for me to make those frightful demons lurking in the dark go away? Wouldn't I have leapt at the slightest moan of discomfort and hugged her , held her close to my chest and reassured her, gently patting her fears to rest and watched as her breath evened out, her contentment when she fell into a deep slumber, safe within my arms and the warmth .? Now ,who the fuck are you.........Bastard , I am going to kill you, I'll wring your throat and squeeze the blood from your heart if you so much as go near my kid.... lecherous faggot.... I will kill you.
When I woke up, Su sat beside me on the bed wrestling with my arm . She was in a grey uniform, a name badge on her chest and unfamiliar square black spectacles framed her eyes. Madness!!.. I flexed my knee , sending her tumbling to the floor, the clamour of crashing vessel and shrieks opened the door and I saw another Su run in , horror and fear showing on her face as the nurse picked herself up and glared at me.
I was in bed and from my younger son I understood that I had temporarily lost it ,crying and shouting nonsense and was in a hospital for seven days now . Seems Su's mother in desperation had sent her personal witch to try exorcism and when it didn't work , they had me almost committed to the mental asylum, but Su had prevailed and, according to the resident doctor, my son , the psychiatrist had ordered medication for temporary madness.
The shrink had diagnosed my condition as probably related to shock ,consequent to loss of stardom and attention , the trauma of a sudden and absolute lack of an identity and occupation had severely impaired my ability to think normally and was about to hypnotize me and give me positive suggestions to get real when I had woken up and kneed the nurse in her broad seat
I gradually felt better.I found her again and I would hang around and hide behind pillars and bushes and watch her , her face, her smile, her not so innocent charm,yes... she had plenty of boy friends, it angered me, she had taken to her mother's loose ways. I would itch to go a cross and tell her some and give her a small hiding, if need be, to behave proper and not venture beyond rectitude and lady like conduct I expected . Then I would imagine her refrain, her entreaties to let her be,
"Oh papa. you are so old and unfashioned, all the girls have five boyfriends"
Truth . I had never felt the urge nor the immense need to be a father even when my first son was born and I had felt down right silly and bashful and did not rush home when the news reached me, preferring to put as many days between me and the prospect of facing my parents and shriveled old ladies inquiring how I felt being a father and going through uneasy moments during the naming ceremony, awkwardly posing for photographs with a forced smile, bawling kid and wife on side and siblings and cousins sensing my unease, mercilessly poking fun and throwing knowing looks and making me extremely uncomfortable with innuendos. I had felt naked and as if I had been caught in the act. Looking back, I wasn't particularly gung ho about such a trivial act of mating and making babies and didn't feel the onrush of manhood that many studs claimed to have experienced at the news of their first born. But here and now, so many years after the event, I felt an exultation of being one to a beautiful girl , whose smile stretched a wee bit more and flashed, forever ingraining that magic moment deep within my heart. I yearned to see it again and again that I would carry my racking soul to that super market to catch a glimpse of her. Until one day.
