saratkanur

"So, and what does your friend's mother do during the day ?" I asked

I had followed him to his room and hoped to get him talking.I was curious to know if Radha had shown any particular interest in me or mentioned me in a passing conversation.Any specific references to me would be a pointer ,it was me who had concluded that I was her daughter's biological father when Radha had not even shown a fleeting moment of recognition when we had crossed each other on the road.

My son was the clue to the answer, I could subtly probe deeper and find out whether after all these years she really remembered me, but my son wouldn't even look at me.

"mr rock, want to wrestle on the terrace".I asked as if I was in a great mood for monkey business, like prancing .He was busy.

"go away,I'm busy".he said ,looking intently at the computer screen.At his age he had to be busy,pushing buttons on his play station and killing his own dad.

"Well,If you don't feel like it, we could go upstairs and catch up on the stars" .I wanted him to be an astronaut too and thought a gentle introduction to the mysteries of the universe would kindle in him a desire for larger missions... He didn't care and twisted his ears by reaching it from behind his back.

"What stars..........the sky is full of clouds" he informed me.I tried again while he adeptly sidestepped a six pointed atomic weapon and launched his vajraastra."boom..boom " "look dad,I've been waiting for three days to get this bastard".

I cuffed him.."what kind of language is that" ...I yanked off the controls and hauled him to the terrace.

"First....never use that kind of language in my presence....and two, if you want to play again, you better explain yourself."

"Dad, everybody says that...." I cut him off .

"I said what you mean about that lady knowing my name."

I had no inkling Radha had recognized me and when my son said she knew my name,it set me thinking. If she did,she should have some reason,because our relationship was so brief to so remember unless she had a reason to do so. OR so I surmised.Now, did she ever reveal to her daughter the truth? I was in deep thought when my son interrupted me ...

"She knows your other name.........

"I don't have any other name."

"What mama calls you somtimes"...... that dropped like a bombshell and I cringed,if Radha could recollect that, I should have been in her mind all along.Why?

Suchita had virtual antennas and it probed the air for words and ticks that signaled trouble and she always moved swiftly to head it off , neatly snipping whiffs in the bud before it had a chance to grow and become unmanageable monsters.

So,at the table when my younger son said that Radha knew my name, I tried to play it down , but Su's roving invisible sensors had picked it up and said sweetly,

"Yes muchi,muchi and how did she know that...did you tell her? When she addressed Markus,she used endearments that grated on one's ears..."muchi muchi"... I hissed under my breath

"No mama"...."shaedoesamuasu".. He always answered in monosylables and mumbles, something which his mother instantly deciphered and understood and relaxed.

I cut in .."anybody will know my name by the way you mama yells it and it's plastered as a banner on the front wall." When I had ordered for a copper plate ,I asked for proper font size and the agent had arrived with a my name the size of a hoarding at the hour of death and installed it with promises to replace that as soon as the smaller one was ready. He took his money and had disappeared while the board stood and announced my presence from a mile out.

My son ate in silence for the rest of the meal, but I knew something was unsaid and I had to move with trepidation . Suchita would not just blow her top when she found out that I had fathered a child , albeit long ,long ago,in the heat of an unstoppable moment of sheer sexual pleasure where consequences of such actions were least contemplated.My wife would most probably walk out on me were she to learn the truth.

But I was way in too deep with my date with destiny. Radha had come back into my life, not so lightly so as to shrug it off, but with a daughter in tow ,mine, and mine only and her umblical connection extended to me that I woudn't be able to severe it in any manner, nor could I ignore the fact any more or live without holding my daugher in my arms. Yes ,be her father in the truest sense and bond and bond until my yearning soul rested content at her acceptance of me as her father .

After the initial encounter, weeks passed before I found her again and then on, most of my time was spend at places where she appeared at different times of the day, and now I wasn't too bothered about whether she noticed me or not and after about two weeks of tagging her, I hoped to god that she would have a divine revelation and recognise me as her dad. I hoped and hoped.

Meanwhile I had also set a detective, a sleazy bastard, on their trail and learnt Radha was a mistress of a wealthy businessman and he owned the supermarket where I now had to compulsively shop; my daughter helped out there in the evenings after college. Radha had a son by this fat , swarthy pit-of-the-world and they lived in a house owned by this tycoon . Any other women would have barfed at the mass of flesh in human form but Radha was rumoured to have him by his balls, holding that and part of his wealth as a proxy , managing the PR at his supermarket and also standing in for some of his not so legal businesses .The man was generous to her and it helped her maintain a fairly good lifestyle, going by the house and the way she carried herself.

James bond briefly sketched these details ,skirting most of the big story to tell me with a knowing gleam in his eyes the girl's name was Samhita .Samhita? I had to look up it's sanskrit meaning. He had caught me tagging her on his undercover mission and inferred that my true interests lay in her. He had even proposed that he could set her up for me and whispered to me with great conspiracy....

"...see ...just like her mother, one day she will go that way. You know that's how these things end, after the mother , you know.... the daughter...yes,yes these kind of things happen ... it's easy ,you buy a small apartment, he winked and said that I could with expensive presents and with his help set her up as,...".you know, wink, ..."

I could feel my blood boil and stopped him short
" What did you say?.". He was taken aback by my change of tone and explained that kids her age were vulnerable and usually ended up in the same rut as their mothers.I didn't want to listen further as the thought had crossed my mind and it disturbed me to the extent of going on and owning up and taking charge of her lives.I couldn't come to terms that a similar fate to her mother awaited her in life ,when I could easily buy her any kind of life she desired. My concern for her had almost made me go across and own up.

One day, I saw the mother and daughter at their supermarket,at the far end of the line, among a row of hanging undergarments and had hurried down in great haste,determined to confront Radha ,when they had turned and vanished into the sheer wall adjacent the the shelves. I looked around. No trace of them. I peeked over the door of a small enclosure to be spat on by hissing cat with mammaries half stuffed into a lacy bra. I withdrew and hurried down the aisle and in the meantime, regained my senses and decided to be discreet until that time I had a plan .

Later I also learnt Radha's son and my younger son, Markus, went went to the same school and rode the same bus and were friends, being from thereabouts the same block and boarded the bus for school at the corner on the main road. My son told me he had been to his house and that his mother was a very funny and nice person.Yes, Radha the laughing miracle, every moment seemed to tickle her.

So, and what does your friend's mother do during the day ? I asked

Discontent and restlessness warped my weary head and I could feel the twist that sent testing nueral impulses , compelling me to sit when I lay down , and when I sat , I had this urge to run ...oh my god .where is she ?. Oh my god.......for days I moped and fell ill, aggravated by an unseasonal flu, further aggravated by the mental distress I suffered ,the remorse of not being aware of a precious life so dear to me existing somewhere, probably forsaken to pitifully get by on crumbs of love , where I would have swathed her with my affection . My ability to reason impaired, tormented as I was by guilt for abandoning her when she needed me most , I wandered in a daze to to find her and catch a glimpse and let the weakness ebb, but no, she was nowhere and my regret persisted and I wanted to be her father all over again and buy her pretty dresses, take her to the park and let her happily ride my back.

I was possessed by her to the exclusion of all others and I would get disturbed and angry. Now, who was this bastard stand-in dad?. Son-of-a bitch. I could have wrung his neck,...... bastard ....., probably a two bit cheapo, wife beater ,preying on the kid and mother , manipulating them, using their helplessness to tie them down and enslave them in his wicked world.Questions niggled me from deep recesses of my mind on how she would have coped in this heartless world , scorned and spitefully teased when I didn't appear at her side after school for her to joyfully take my hand and go home. I am certain she would have cried and pined for me. Did she wake up and cry in the dark for me to make those frightful demons lurking in the dark go away? Wouldn't I have leapt at the slightest moan of discomfort and hugged her , held her close to my chest and reassured her, gently patting her fears to rest and watched as her breath evened out, her contentment when she fell into a deep slumber, safe within my arms and the warmth .? Now ,who the fuck are you.........Bastard , I am going to kill you, I'll wring your throat and squeeze the blood from your heart if you so much as go near my kid.... lecherous faggot.... I will kill you.

When I woke up, Su sat beside me on the bed wrestling with my arm . She was in a grey uniform, a name badge on her chest and an unfamiliar square black spectacles framed her eyes. Madness!!.. I flexed my knee , sending her tumbling to the floor, the clamour of crashing vessel and shrieks opened the door and Su ran in , horror and fear showing on her face as the nurse picked herself up and glared at me. I was in bed and from my younger son I understood that I had temporarily lost it ,crying and shouting nonsense and was in a hospital for seven days now . Seems Su's mother in desperation had sent her personal witch to try exorcism and when it didn't work , they had me almost committed to the mental asylum, but Su had prevailed and, according to the resident doctor, my son , the psychiatrist had ordered medication for temporary madness. He had diagnosed my condition as probably related to shock ,consequent to loss of stardom and attention , the trauma of a sudden and absolute lack of an identity and occupation had severely impaired my ability to think normally and was about to hypnotize me and give me positive suggestions to get real when I had woken up and kneed the nurse in her broad seat

I gradually felt better.I found her again and I would hang around and hide behind pillars and bushes and watch her , her face, her smile, her not so innocent charm,yes... she had plenty of boy friends, it angered me, she had taken to her mother's loose ways. I would itch to go a cross and tell her some and give her a small hiding, if need be, to behave proper and not venture beyond rectitude and lady like conduct I expected . Then I would imagine her refrain, her entreaties to let her be,

"Oh papa. you are so old and unfashioned, all the girls have five boyfriends"

Truth . I had never felt the urge nor the immense need to be a father even when my first son was born and I had felt down right silly and bashful and did not rush home when the news reached me, preferring to put as many days between me and the prospect of facing my parents and shriveled old ladies inquiring how I felt being a father and going through uneasy moments during the naming ceremony, awkwardly posing for photographs with a forced smile, bawling kid and wife on side and siblings and cousins sensing my unease, mercilessly poking fun and throwing knowing looks and making me extremely uncomfortable with innuendos. I had felt naked and as if I had been caught in the act. Looking back, I wasn't particularly gung ho about such a trivial act of mating and making babies and didn't feel the onrush of manhood that many studs claimed to have experienced at the news of their first born. But here and now, so many years after the event, I felt an exultation of being one to a beautiful girl , whose smile stretched a wee bit more and flashed, forever ingraining that magic moment deep within my heart. I yearned to see it again and again that I would carry my racking soul to that super market to catch a glimpse of her. Until one day.

The scene looked an hospital ward and concern etched my wife's face. Though it was her house, I had brusquely ordered them off my couch to show I had some authority and besides I didn't want his dirty blood staining my couch and remain a grim reminder of the circumstances that may turn me a homeless hobo.

"Get the hell off my couch, run away ....go..go...go now", I thundered and they hastened off the couch to the dining table where Darren lay his head enacting his final minute on earth .

Ammanie had taken control, she was a nurse and round in shape being fat both side to side and front to back, her huge mammaries dropping heavily down and countered by an mighty behind and if she had sharpened teeth,she could have been straightaway cast in jurrasic park .But the resemblance ended there, she was an extremely likeable person and was in complete command when she was around and stood by cradling his bleeding head against her huge chest and ordered her kids to get her emergency kit. Radha stood on his other side ,visibly flustered, the incident had taken out the joy of reunion and he moaned his make believe trauma and flopped his head between her exquisite bosom as well, a little too deeply for the miserly cut he had received. The slight gash had pulled the tight scalp apart and blood spurted in disproportion to the wound, making it look bloodier than it was. My son's eyes welled up, Captain Brainless, his hero, sat between two gorgons, mortally beaten to pulp and he whispered with little hiccups to me..

"Uncle Darren might not survive the hemorrhaging , we have to find the right blood type for a massive infusion , or he'll slip into a coma from which he may never wake up....Ever". .. so I pointed to wilkie at the foot of the door and asked whether the dog's blood would do.

"Papa , be serious... he is not used to our conditions and he could catch tetanus". That was a welcome thought, nobody survived tetanus for more than twentyfour hours, a relatively manageable interval, surely the hospital should be able to take care of that.

"Cruel.....Why did she have to do that, I think she over-reacted ...Look at her now , as if she cared!" she whispered in rage.Suchita was on my side, she couldn't comprehend the viciousness of the women who seemed to complement her in several aspects.

Overreacted! Ha ha .. who cared? whoo haahah!!.. I would have given half a hand if she could have as much penetrated an inch into the skull, deleting his floppy memory and wiped out ancient images and instances stored in his useless brain for at least the time they spent with us in India. What harm could he do from France, he couldn't even email and he had two families to look after when he found the time from transmitting aids with his fucking lifestyle.

Being the man of the situation he was taking advantage, playing up his injury,writhing and accidentally brushing Radha's rump as Ammanie isolated the cut on his head with a surgical blade and deftly sewed the skin together to stanch the slight ooze and wrapped a bandage around his head and contended with her work, she gave him a pat on his back, peck on his face, bit her lower lip , released it slowly while nodding her head and complemented Radha for her sharp aim. Hearing that ,Darren said

"What do you know, either she marries me or I'm claiming damages... tulips, ask your husband to sell your house" and Radha giggled bringing back memories in a flood. How long ago was it, twenty years since then ? In the loo, on the throne and locked in silence, my thoughts regressed to those carefree bachelor days and the subsequent truth I had come to know a few months ago. On the day of our house warming, after we returned to India , my brother- in -law came in after some emergency shopping and said he had seen a young girl in the neighbourhood who was a spitting image of my sister,his wife. We joked about my dad's trysts and concluded that he would have been too old to father a girl so young and speculated I could have been the one who had sown the wild oats.

Much later I was to see the young girl and my heart skipped several beats and I palpitated like a running dog shedding heat. I was at the grocery store and she was there with a women whom I had known briefly and had sex when I was a bachelor. I do not know whether the woman, Radha, tulips to us, recalled me from the drug induced haze of those days, if she did , she passed by without any hint of recognition. But I did and gasped , stunned by the realisation Radha was probably the girl's mother and the pretty young girl was my daughter and a feeling of uncontainable longing hit me. Then on,it was a search.

The clouds hung low and the early morning sun broke through in patches, glistening off the wet overhanging leaves and a cool light breeze spread it’s ethereal fingers and ran through the open French window and between the folds of the gossamer curtains . I shuddered a bit .

Darren and Su stood among the rose bushes and dahlias, shadows silhouetted against the light and added to the gloom I felt .He leaned on the baluster with his back to me observing life, read women, as it unfolded on the street and Su sat sideways on the railing with a coffee cup in hand,looking up at him . It was a vantage point where Darren stood, two floors above ground,with an eagle eye one could peer and get a deeper look between the crevices in bobbing T shirts.

The two should have been there quite sometime, the coffee cups probably empty and her lilting laugh carried across the hall to the couch where I sat trying to read the morning paper .Obviously Darren said something corny and I would have been glad if it stopped there for the present ,my mind was in turmoil and eyes would not focus and I sensed a subterranean rumble, a surreal notion of things about to explode, a feeling compounded every minute they stood there. I wanted then off the terrace

I poured myself a coffee and prepared to hail him .I cleared my throat for a rehearsal and communicate a joy I didn’t feel.

"Hey , Darren, did you see this, a goddamm Frenchman was caught ….. I croaked,....my voice cracked and trailed, my gut stalling in tension, which he heard and he said,

"Shut up, asshole, get a tooth brush and a salt gargle, I can smell you here,"…. horse laugh…ha hah hha ….ngi ngi ngi … and clamped two crooked fingers around my wife’s nose .I was angry at Su, I know their friendship was deep and platonic, oh yes, there was this one time when they had discovered each other; two long lost brother-and-sister souls had met and the scene turned treacly, sugar syrup pouring out of their eyes that I had to quietly tiptoe out of the room to avoid being caught in a mushy three way embrace. The loving sibling relationship had held and I trust my wife, but the least she could have done at that moment was to bring him inside and not play side kick to the idiot.

The clock inched towards seven fifteen, about time she and her mother would turn the corner, head our way and then disappear round the bend on the left , a short interval, but big enough to ruin my life. I hoped the murky morning and drizzle had kept them home and wished she had also changed and not retained the poise, exuding the same sexual appeal and allure she did many years ago . Darren would scent it from a mile and I had to somehow get him off the terrace. Bastard, he had a way of being there when you least needed him and then it would turn around and you’ll need him then. Like that day in March in Kuwait.

My wife came in from the terrace, a fresh rose in her hand and placed it in a crystal vase on the coffee table and said…

“My god, Darren will never change, ask him what he did on the flight.” As if I didn’t know,

“The fucker would have flashed in the aisle, what else?"

And then it happened, exactly as I had forseen.

“Radhaaaa”……he flew in , gave me a quizzical look and ran down the hall . I ran to the terrace in time to see him catch up and clamp his big hands around her eyes

“Guess who” he hollered, guess wh..... tulips…mon cherry…. frightening her mother that she tottered to the middle ,across our gate . Radha shrieked and twisted and desperately tried to claw herself free, while he put his face to close her ear and nibbled,

“Guess who, my love" he crooned ,nuzzling her and turned to see the old women tilting over in the middle of the road .He let go and ran to help the old lady, who whimpered as he approached. Radha saw the opening ,picked up a fist size stone , sneaked from the rear and cracked it on his head. I could hear the stone echoing off his empty skull, the shot could have debrained an elephant and I let go a whoop in sheer exhilaration of a goal eventually driven in to even the scores.I hoped he was dead but Darren survived,got up and faced her. She was always gutsy and kneed plenty of men who had tried to impose unwanted attention on her, and socked him in his balls ,the excruciating pain contorted his features and she recognized him. Her hands flew to her mouth,

Darren, you? Same ….Darren Darren? she cocked her head in inquiry while unknown to her he was bleeding to death or so I wished. Sue had heard the clamor and was beside me and saw the night shirt turn red , gave me a searing look for my inappropriate response, and ran down to help. And they came in with the bleeding bastard propped between them and the act brought together ,two women who should have never ever met and lived their separate lives oblivious to a blood bond that tied them in a fatal embrace that could see one of us dead .I cursed all.